that one moment that one decision

can you look back at your life and pick out one moment one decision that you made that changed the the whole course of your lif?. I was a leader and a follower but influenced greatly by my peers. I was always a very good friend and was there for all of them no matter what, but I was not a very nice person when it came to dating. I LOVED the chase
but once I caught him--or let him catch me--haha, i said i would get bored and break it off. For a guy to be with me for 2 weeks was long term for me. Looking back I realize that it was not that i got bored with them it was that i was afraid that he would get to know me and not like me anymore. Yes i had self esteem issues. As a 40+ woman i can look back and say what a fool i was, I mean look around are any of those peers around? Would i have still been with one of those guys if i had given the relationship more time? Out of all the relationships, all the guys i dated and didn't date, all that i was friends with, I have always remembered 1 guy, the one that stood out from all the others, the one that looked at me like no one else did, the one that cared for me and treated me like his princess. the one that wanted to marry me (for real)the one that i treated like crap and ruined it all because my  friends did not like him, they did not like that i wanted to spend all my time with him and never had time for them anymore. I felt like i lived in a bubble when i was with him, nothing else mattered when i looked into his eyes---i never believed it before or after but with him i could see into his soul and i could see us growing old together. I knew that we would not be rich but we would love each other, have a lot of children (maybe as many as 10 would have been great) and been so happy we would not miss or regret anything in life as long as we were together. No ups and downs just love and enjoying being with each other without drama. He once told me that he would never fight with me that he would rather walk away than for me to be mad or for us to argue, ect. I loved that about him because up that point in my life that is all i had was other peoples drama and dealing with them. even when we were not together---working ect--i felt so safe and secure that he was mine I did not feel jealous or worry about how much he cared. I know this all sounds corny but it was wonderful, at least I thought so but it didn't take long for me to feel the pressure from everyone else against him. I started questioning him and how he really felt and how i really felt and if it was real or was it just in my mind. I let myself be influenced by what everyone else thought that i couldn't keep fighting for him. this was so wrong of me and even at the time i was breaking it off with him i knew that i was making the wrong decision. But i was caught in their pressure and started to douht that we were in love that we were too young, i was 17 he was 19, that it was just lust or my need to be needed or my wanting a relationship so bad that i was not seeing him i was seeing a fantasy guy. I can not blame anyone but myself for my decisions because if we were really truly meant for each other I would not have let others influence me. So we  broke it off, within 3 months i knew that it was a mistake and i did love him and i did want to spend my life with him and i would not listen to what others had to say, i wanted/needed him back. So a friend of his cousin knew a friend and met with me and was willing to get a message to him that i wanted to talk to him. The next day he was at my house. He said that he left because he could tell that i was pulling away and he wanted my happiness and since it did not feel like i was happy with him he walked away. He thought i wanted to talk to him to tell him off for walking away. I told him i wanted us to get back together so we did. now the next few months are a blur because i had 18th birthday and graduation and weddings to go to and I am not sure when or what i did but before i knew it we were no longer together. I know that it had to have been something i did because again he was so sweet and loving and i was such a self absorbed witch that i know i sent him away. all these years i think of him, especially during the time of year that we were together and apart, i miss him and wish...............i have checked up on him over the years and it seems like his life is as crappy as mine but i can not go to him because back then within about a year of us breaking up we both got married to other people and while my marriage didn't last ---the next guy that came along i stood up to everyone and would not listen to anything they had to say against him-even when my best friend slept with him to show me what a scum he was-i would not listen and i married him. while he is still with her--of course he is, he would never walk away from a commitment that he made in his wedding vows. so that is my moment that i will always remember as that one decision that one time that changed the whole course of my life. Oh well I have to live with the life that i have made.