online dating years ago when it was all AOL chat rooms

about 6 years ago my children were using the Internet to meet and connect with people. AOL you have mail. I was bored and decided that i needed to know what my youngest was being exposed to, so i got online and learned. I found that it can be fun adult conversation. It was fun going into chat rooms
and while it was hard to keep up as i learned it was all fun. it was cool to be able to have conversation and flirting with men all over the world. it was all done in good clean fun. and if the men got a little too strange, it was easy to block them. within 2 months i talked to over 80 or more men. again it was fun but after awhile it got boring. So just as i was about to stop i went into one more chat room. As soon as i entered i had 5 men IM me so we could chat privately. I went thru the process of elimination and  got in down to one man that i continued to talk with. we talked everyday. I had not seen his picture so the mystery was fun but i will admit hat i am a shallow person that goes for good looking men. but this time i decided to go for companionship. So after 1 month he finally sent me a picture of him--so ick but i would not let visual appearance influence me. so i kept talking with him. after 3 months we met. as soon as i saw him i knew that it was a no way, but again i had not had a relationship since my ex which was over 16 years, i felt i was do to see is i could "be with someone" so when i saw that look in his eye that he was interested i decided to continue the weekend, then end it later. to say the least he was nothing to brag about in or out of bed.But he was also not a physical threat.  I felt like i was there to build his ego and after awhile he did not even listen to me or my opinion. but i stayed because it was not like we were together everyday. at first we saw each other at least 1 weekend per month, after 4 years it was 2 weekends a year. He was a nice guy but in front of others he acted "not good, kinda embarrassing" so i made sure we spent our time together alone . I did not encourage visits and i should have stopped then, but by then i felt sorry for him, blah blah blah.     he did like to have racy sexual activities that i had always been curious about but was too embarrassed to find out of my own. he liked to have others watch and him to be watched. this was a challenge to me because i had to hid the fact that he had nothing to watch but he liked the whole experience of it so i would do him but i would not be exposed or anything. we found a few clubs, basically strip clubs--i had always wanted to see what they were like--on couples night they would have area that were couples only unless a couple went out to strip area and invited individuals in to play. this was kinda fun and i was curious about it and and wanted to watch and learn but each time i would look around they would look back at me and i would get embarrassed being caught peeking. he always told me that they were there to get watched but i was just too shy for doing more than look around randomly. the we did the 3some 4 some it was no big deal to me, no major turn on, but again he seemed to enjoy it so much and since i was not into it or jealous or anything like that, it was ok to do occasionally. I knew that he could have gone all the time but i just wanted him to come cum and leave-he could usually only cum 1-2 per weekend. which was more than enough for me--would get tired of faking it or making it seem like he "wore me out" or I could not take anymore. ick i hate being fake but i was looking to the future and not being alone after the children were gone. but after 4 years he started talking about moving closer. thats when i had to take a hard look at US  and i did not want him here everyday and did not want him to know only me and therefor i would have to entertain him all the time. this was not something i wanted so i ended it. it was hard for me to be mean to someone but i could not do it anymore. It has been such a relief thats its over.