no more dogs

I had not had a dog since i lost my dog of 5 years over a year ago. This year on my birthday i thought i was ready to have another puppy ( LOVE puppies). So i went to same pet store/breeder. I took my grandson so he could help me pick one. as soon as i walked in the door my heart was drawn to a little sorkie, he was white with black and brown. he was so playful and cute.
i kept all attention on him because of the other dogs-one was a barker, one yapper, one was already sold and the other was a look that i did not find cute nor did i like the temperament. so we left with the one i wanted. I was so happy and he was so cute. my youngest was in Texas that week but she had planned to get me a kitten. i told her that that was fine because it would give the puppy a playmate (i believe in all my animals getting along). So we went to humane society and found a kitten (short hair white with black spots) that we all liked and a 1 year old (long haired tan/orange-light color and lots of fluff), i usually do not get older pets because they have been abused and its hard to gain their trust. but this time my daughters thought the kitten for the puppy and the other cat for me-he was lap cat--they all wanted lots of love and attention. When i go everyone home it was a fun time-and of course they were fun to watch. the cats were house trained but the puppy had no training and with him being so small it was time consuming to keep up with taking him out. Some days he did not want out but each time i gave in and didn't force him out, he would have an accident. so i learned to keep him in the carrier over night with taking him out on the times i woke up, then back into the carrier. then when i would get up for the day i would put him out get myself ready and then we would go for morning walk with my outside 3 year old dog. We walked for 30 minutes. I would let him stay out for a few minutes because sometimes he would hold until he got inside, so that was out routine for the mornings. I have a hard time keeping animals tied up or restricted so i would let him loose. he liked shoes no matter how many times i would scold him, he just loved them. after a month i realized that letting the animals have access to the whole house so i kept everyone out of my work room because the cats would get up on everything-knocking over everything. then i had to restrict the puppy to the living room only. so again i did not like restricting the animals but until they were all  trained i was trying to do what worked best for the animals.  yesterday the puppy did not want to go out on the mid of the night trip- so even though i made him go out, i don't think he took care of business so i put him back in the carrier-again trying to stick to training him. then when i got up he did not want to go out-again i made him but again he would not go out so i had to make him. When i came out for out walk he wanted back in the house. so after debating it with him i let him stay in the carrier. It was strange that the outside dog (an my daughters dalmation) was no where to be found--very out of the ordinary-they know my habits and loved walking with me. so the whole morning was out of the ordinary. so i walked and when i got to my parents house the dogs where there playing-I wondered if they were there because the day before he had hit their dog (brother to my outside dog). he was moving truck and thought his back tire ran over what he thought was dirt.  they called me to come check him out. (role reversal-he used to take care of all-i even had to train their dog). i knew that my dog had been hit several times=once by me once hit in the head with a horse shoe, she wanted to take him to er, he said no because he would not pay. i checked him and while there did not seem to be any changes in internal injuries-no response to touch or pressure or swelling, ect. the back legs did not show signs of pain and tail was waging, so at this time i thougth he needed to rest and see how he responded.  while i was on my walk yesterday i stopped and checked on him-he had moved himself from pile of straw to pile of leaves. there were no signs of him dragging himself but when i check him it appeared that his legs were paralyzed-he still waged his tail but the back legs were loose with no response, they were loose and no tension. at this point i was pretty sure but i did not tell them my views. I got home and put the puppy out (again he did not want to go)  but i knew if he did not go out he would come in..... after a few minutes i went to call him in, he was not at the door so i figured he was playing with the bigger dogs. my outside dog was at the door but no sign of the dalmation or the puppy-they usually always were together playing. so i went looking for the other dogs. I did not see the dalmation so i figured the pup broke the rule and left the yard-following other dog-but again strange that my other dog was not with them. i started walking toward my daughters house and calling for both dogs. i go to the edge of my yard and saw something--raining for days and dogs always had play toys plus dragging stuff from other yards to use to chew. so i did think much of it but as i got closer i realized, it was strange that he was into the yard but it was obvious that it was not an injury that he could have crawled out of the road, so someone must have hit him realized he was gone but just moved him out of road. he was completely motionless with no response to him name or my presence. i quickly looked into his eyes but when i saw no response i would not look closer, i tried ot check him out-in the past i would never ever touch or be around a dead animal but this time it did not freak me out-not sure if this came from being with Aunt when she pasted a year ago, so i brought him to the porch to give him time to rest. when i lifted him his insides were all slush and he was completely "boneless", but i gave him time because i was not willing to admit that he was gone. I had never diagnosed death before. I waited about an hour, during which i dug a place but didn't think i would need to use it. as for taking him to vet i wanted to wait because i was not ready to let someone else tell me he was gone, plus it was best not to move him a lot. but i had to admit he was gone. when i picked him up and tried to hold him as before he started slipping through my hands, it was hard to keep him in a comfortable hold, at one point his head flopped back (unnaturally mobility) so i knew this was another sign that he was gone. I looked into his eyes and it broke my heart because he was not there, his spirit was gone. i hated putting him in the ground muddy, wet, cold. but i kept telling myself that this was the next step and had to be done. that first shovel was hard when it hit him. i almost stopped to check to see if there was a response. I kept going, my thoughts were all over thinking about him and other animals I had lost and when my aunt was cremated and urn was placed with grandparents. it was so hard i kept thinking i should have someone else do it but i felt i had to do this, i had to be strong. I dent test to my children that we needed to find homes for the cats-there was no way i could have any animal in the house. later that day my oldest took her and dog to vet-they were trying to "stabilize" him before they did xrays ect, they said his breathing was not good which was a sign of diapham but he had been breathing just fine until then--they said they could continue but it would cost at least $1-2000 plus, but that there was not guarantee he would be able to be a normal active dog, so they decided to put him down. (that is a strange phrase) when i got the call I told about my puppy and they were upset. when they got here they had to tell me step by step and wanted to know the steps i had to deal with.