I had always wanted a dog that was all mine. I did not want to have to share him with anyone but me. I wanted all his love and i wanted to give him all my love. But the house rules did not allow for animals. when i was about 4-6 years old we got a hound dog or Heinz 47. it did not matter to me what breed it was. He was all mine i trained him to show love to me and listen to me and be my best friend. I was so important to him that when i went to school he would stand at the spot that he stood with me while waiting for the bus, and when i came home he was still sitting there waiting for me.
So i thought that his whole life was me. he went everywhere with me, he would not let the dog make any noises at night which i knew was hard with all the other dogs barking and doing all the nightly dog stuff. I gave him permission to go visiting so he could have fun and not make him mad. I told him to be back in time to play before school bus time. he was always there. a few times i tried to sneak him into my room for the night. but i was always caught, it was not fair especially when it was cold outside or raining. I would tell him to go into the crawl space under the house-i found it a good hiding place. he was so smart and defend me from all threats-except from them, if he made any attempt to defend when i was being punished, he was punished too. so i had to explain to him that he had to stay back and it was more important for him to be there afterwords to hold me and wipe my tears. he was so smart but also was the KING of the neighborhood dogs. no dog could beat him, even though he would get beat up but the other guy was much much worse. I tried to get him to stop fighting but he felt he had to let everyone know that he was my protector. I was 10 when we moved and since we lived in a town he said it was not fair to take him, i did not understand this, i could not leave him-he was a part of me, didnt think i could hate more than i already did but the rage was so hard to hold in, i tried to explain what was going on and that i would be back. each weekend i would rush to find him and spend all the time with him-my heart swelled so big when he came running to me and showered me in love, it was so hard to leave him each time. the rule of he cold not live in a town rather than the country. it made no sense at all but no matter how i argued or begged but they would not change it. I hated them so much. then one winter the neighbor that was feeding him found him dead in the snow. he was at least 8 years old, so old age? heart attack? no one knew but i knew that it was from a broken heart from me leaving him and he thought i did not love him anymore. after that i did not want any other animal. it was hard enough hiding my feeling when they cut me down about caring for a stupid animal. but i wanted to harden my heart against any other loss of loved ones.
sharing my day and the wisdom I have learned in 40+ years
Monday, May 17, 2010
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